February 8th, 2012
|12:46 am - I am out of diet coke|
Enough said, really. Have you ever felt like you were isolating everyone? Me neither. But if I had, I would feel absolutely terrible about it.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
Current Location: US, Kentucky, Murray, Calloway, Diuguid Dr, 1557
January 9th, 2012
January 8th, 2012
September 19th, 2005
|02:54 pm - SDFGIOPSD-0FIDSFQQ|
i am ONLY JUst a boy and i do boy things my hair wont curl right to-day
i am wearing rings
i am ONLY JUst a boy and i do boy things what the fuck is wrong with you
stop staring at me
i am ONLY JUst a boy and i do boy things, i gag myself with my tooth brush
fuck you who cares
i am a boy and i do boy things, i try to look positively at the world
and i fail(succeed)
i am a good boy and i do boy things, i go to class
without my rings
i am an awesomely good boy and i do boy things
I GET FUCKIN LOCKED UP IN JAIL AND HOLD MY SANITY IN MITTENS THAT DONT EXIST
WRITE THIS DOWN (WRITE IT!), ESPECIALLY YOU, BISHOP, BUT NOT THE PAWN
DARK THINNING HAIR
IS IT OVER, YET?
ARE THESE TIDES JUST COMING UP TO MY NECK?
AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO HASNT FIXED MY RUBIKS CUBE?
AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO CASTS A SHADOW?
ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO THINKS YOU KNOW SHIT?
You, I, wedon't
You, I, wedon't
poetry (c) Jeremy Martin
Current Mood: totally fucked
|01:13 pm - My times.|
I was in jail.
I was almost gomeenenranramenraenr.
Rerherherheahraer. I hate everything and everyone and I fuckin hate the way everything is going i am fucking tired of everything fuck fuck fuck. venting. fuck you, dad. why are you such a prick just fucking think of someone else for once even though you fucking goddamn take care of me, you piece of shit. Mom stop hanging up the phone when I don't want you to. Rachel you are such a bitch and you arent mom so fucking stop giving me all this advice that I get better from mom anyway you little choad. Go back to feeding my nephew and being Rachel. My dad and my sister have lost their indenties but thank God that Mom is still half in tact. I can feel mom coming back ever so slowly and I feel myself coming back too. "I look up because I'm human." why do I fucking say that to myself (whoever that is, and that too) to my goddamn self all the time. Fucking why? Why can't you leave me the fuck alone Jeremy? Can't you just go fuck yourself? I'm going to succeed and there's nothing you can fuckin' do to stop me from achieving my fucking goals you piece of shit.
I am not talking to the inner child I am talking to the Ego. So fuck right off, you here? Fuck right off and go impale yourself on a pole. "Human noises". WTF is that? I need to stop saying that too. Every day I think its the goddamn end of the world and it fucking isnt and what do I have to do to prove to myself that it isn't? What the fuck is anyone supposed to do? The world doesn't revolve around me but at the same time it does. It does revolve around me and it's all that I see. Why do I have to trouble myself so much? Why? I ask all these questions and I never get the answers. It freaks me out that I'm mentally healthy but
GRIFFIN. YOU WILL ATTEST TO THIS. We are both not crazy and we're functiong fucking humans but we feel like lifeless, blobs without identities strolling around like morons, drooling, and waiting for something better to happen but it fucking never does. Griffin and I have spoken about this theory together and it goes like this. Maybe you, reader, can find some comfort or at least fucking identify with what I am about to say.
The parents in Rome, Georgia, where I was raised but not born, especially applied to fuckin' Griffin, Barrie, and I, were raised straight-laced Orthodox whatever Religion, so they got this great idea to let us fuck around and give us whatever we wanted when we were growing up, so we grew up happy, for the most part, and dancing around singing and climbing on walls and making shit with dirt and climbing trees and writing messages and drawing pictures in sidewalk chalk in the closet. Then they were like "okay we have these happy kids that are so prepared for the world so lets kick them out into it! They're fine! They're going to do great! HEY KIDS GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE AND GET TO SCHOOL YOU LITTLE SHITS HAHAHAHAAH ALL WE WANNA DO NOW IS PLAY AMONGST OURSELVES AND FUCK AND DRINK"
No. No parents. Wrong. And what you're left with is confused, frightened, and horribly mentally disturbed kids that can't take shit in the real world. You raised us well but you forgot TWO THINGS, motherfuckers: S.T.R.U.C.T.U.R.E and D.I.S.C.I.P.L.I.N.E. I mean, what the fuck? Your parents taught you that and you got some fucking bright idea to throw that away? YOU CANT THROW THAT KIND OF SHIT AWAY, BASTARDS. You can't just let your kids run wild and party and never make them do dishes. I kicked and screamed. Griffin and Barrie kicked and screamed, but what you didn't do was drag us by our hair or our ears and make us do the shit. This is a message to parents like you out there: love them and let them play but goddamn, please put some structure in their lives. I have to teach it to myself and I don't even know what it fucking is.
Griffin is a wreck because of you, but she's doing better, I'm barely holding on because of you, and Barrie is somehow managing as well. The three of us are fucked. We aren't crazy but we've convinced ourselves that we are because YOU NEVER DID A THING ABOUT IT IN THE REARING PROCESS. It's up to us to fix it now, yet, when we turn back to you, YOU DONT HAVE ADVICE THAT IS WORTH A SHIT WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH THE HEART OF OUR PROBLEMS. You parents can comfort us now and tell us that we have to achieve, but we don't believe you because you didn't give us any good fucking foundations to stand on. So fuck you. We love you but seriously, fuck you.
Current Mood: Pissed as shit
August 3rd, 2005
|09:29 am - Dreamscapes/Poetry|
My dramscapes have always been verdantlands filled with mystery and wonder! But anyway, I'll just recount a couple of them here because they are cool. These three were last nights, and the lighting in the dreams were very dreary, probably because I read Poe's "Ligeia" again before I went to bed. I read that fucker when I was 14 in mom's hallway and it scared me so bad I couldn't even move. He liked to use the adjective "dreary" and "weary" and he liked to "wander" all over the place because he was sad and on opium. Anyway, dreams:
I was standing in the dark on some cliff and there was a guest house. My aunt Joyce and my mother were both standing there, one was standing there in the dark. I never have suicidal thoughts, so it surprised me that what I thought in the dream was "just do it" so I leapt off of the cliff, but then as I was falling I was sure that I was going to hit water, and I did. But it was such a long fall! I managed to scramble back up and Joyce was all "hey, that's no big deal because it's high tide", and I took a second look, and the water was almost up to the edge of the cliff.
Don't Gorge out!
I was driving my red beat-the-fuck-up Mitsubishi at night on Turner McCall in Rome, Georgia and some kid started throwing things at it (this actually happened once) so I turned around and my car became a convertible and it got smaller and I zoomed over and tried to run him over, but by the time I got to him he was as small as a mouse with a little red hat in the fields. I never caught him.
There were a row of pianos and several young children were preparing to perform (in the dark) with the orchestra which also sat without light. One of them came up to me and said "I'm so nervous". She was Asian. I said "you'll be fine", but as I did, her eyes sort of wrapped around her head and I got nervous as well. They all began playing into what was was basically a chaotic dissonance. It was very creepy.
You said its easy
and i said okay
we'll save our worries
for another day
I say I have some
But not enough
To fill a bucket
How does one feel it
if one is transplanted
like some confused delphinium
place to place
You said you were an open book
And I said
I am only half that way
"Give me your bookmark!"
Because it is plaited with gold
and I want it
You said I can't have everything I want
But I want it now
Why can't I have it
Dialogue with self
You're doing it!
Then why ask about it all the time?
I don't have the answer to that
Yeah, we'll you don't have the answers to a lot of things.
It seems that way doesn't it
Yes, but things will come your way.
Hold on for one more day?
Yes, like that annoying song.
I keep holding, but no end is ever met.
It will come eventually.
I don't have the answer to that quesion (spelled like that)
Why do I say that?
Because you talked to Adam too much in your formative years.
Are you finished?
August 2nd, 2005
|09:21 pm - Yes, I have problems|
I can't seem to forget my worries.
Figuring out who you are at 21 is giving me a headache from Hell.
God, if you're out there, why did you make me so sensitive and so oblivious to what was out there in the first place? There are so many things I don't get, and so many fears that I have yet to tackle.
I was so convinced I wouldn't make it. It was the end of last semester and I thought it was the end because I wasn't getting any sleep and I was drinking and smoking too much and worrying myself into a pile of rubbish. I am tired of not knowing who I am and being afraid to look into the mirror. I am so scared. I'm so scared I can't even think straight sometimes.
My thoughts always plague me and I almost never get left alone because there is some sort of struggle between the little boy in me and the adult that wants to succeed, but is afraid of it.
I don't know where to go, or whose porch step to wind up on. Every day I feel so silly and so worthless, even though I know the latter to be untrue (because I am one silly motherfucker)
Why can't I just develop normal self esteem? What is setting me back? Please, if anyone has any advice it would be appreciated, because I am having a really, really hard time and I'm so scared.
April 24th, 2005
|03:12 am - webcam photoset|
Current Mood: horny
Current Music: LAME SHIT - dogs in heat
March 22nd, 2005
Apparently fastuploads.com decided to turn my pics into their own personal logos. I don't know what the hell is going on there. If anyone else does please let me know. PLEASE. Because those were good pictures :/
Also I'd like to issue a public apology to my best friend Barrie. I have a best friend named Barrie and a best friend named Griffin. Case and point. Goodbye!
March 14th, 2005
A smaIl rabbit: her (expletive deleted) are like so fuckin nothing compared to her lame-ass personality
A smaIl rabbit: here are all the things that make(name)worthless:
A smaIl rabbit: and im being for real:
[screen name]: haha, that's more like it
A smaIl rabbit: -she is about as exciting as a mop
A smaIl rabbit: -she is also about as smart as a mop
A smaIl rabbit: -she makes art about as well as a mop does
[screen name]: her (expletive deleted) though...i see it now
A smaIl rabbit: -she cares about people even less than a mop does, at least a mop helps out around the house
[screen name]: true