August 2nd, 2005
|09:21 pm - Yes, I have problems|
I can't seem to forget my worries.
Figuring out who you are at 21 is giving me a headache from Hell.
God, if you're out there, why did you make me so sensitive and so oblivious to what was out there in the first place? There are so many things I don't get, and so many fears that I have yet to tackle.
I was so convinced I wouldn't make it. It was the end of last semester and I thought it was the end because I wasn't getting any sleep and I was drinking and smoking too much and worrying myself into a pile of rubbish. I am tired of not knowing who I am and being afraid to look into the mirror. I am so scared. I'm so scared I can't even think straight sometimes.
My thoughts always plague me and I almost never get left alone because there is some sort of struggle between the little boy in me and the adult that wants to succeed, but is afraid of it.
I don't know where to go, or whose porch step to wind up on. Every day I feel so silly and so worthless, even though I know the latter to be untrue (because I am one silly motherfucker)
Why can't I just develop normal self esteem? What is setting me back? Please, if anyone has any advice it would be appreciated, because I am having a really, really hard time and I'm so scared.
Most people are afraid.
Not knowing is half fun and the other half is scary.
Just pull through it the best you can, Jer.
I know you have it in you.
I feel like this everyday lately...
Maybe it is called the "quarter life crisis"...School is just a holding pattern and we become comfortable with it and then the real world starts to poke its nose into our thoughts. Feeling helpless is such an impending sense of doom isn't it? I can say everything is going to get better...what a cliche...but it is true. Things will start falling into place for you Jeremy. Just keep yo chin up darlin'.
|Date:||August 6th, 2005 11:16 pm (UTC)|| |
Jeremy, did you ever notice that the people with the highest self esteem are often the people who least deserve it? They may be complacent and bossy and feel no need to achieve. Many or most of history's creators, inventors, achievers, doers suffer from low self esteem. They are constantly driven to do more and be more because they demand so much of themselves. The trick is to recognize the search for self esteem as a tool and use it just to motivate yourself. The search can be a wicked taskmaster, so don't forget to note and register your accomplishments lest it become a crippling obsession. Don't let it make you a "Tortured Soul" as are so many artists, writers, poets, scientists who haven't striven for balance. (That's an art in itself). Of course, a little angst can be useful, if uncomfortable.
Please excuse the intrusion if it is such.
It was not an intrusion. I really love it when people (other than myself) give me advice because I feel pretty lost sometimes... yeah that's putting it mildly.. I'm trying very hard not to be tortured, and dad told me the other day that I need to live outwardly and get out of my head and all that, and it's slowly working but damn it's hard. Being anyone is hard... thank you for the advice.. im a survivor.. sometimes i wonder though because it's noisy in here, Merteuil's Mom.. Have a good evening and enjoy your wonderful daughter.
|Date:||August 8th, 2005 02:50 pm (UTC)|| |
Re: Self esteem
Your description of the noise in your head calls to mind the antithesis of that which would be a void and total silence in your head. That would be truly frightening. I'd be interested to know if your dad's advice to look outward helps and if you're able to carry it through.
Glad you appreciate my daughter online. She has an equally wonderful sister, and I am in awe of both of them. I like to think I made some small contribution to their development into warm and interesting people by sprinkling chocolate chips or mini-marshmallows on their breakfast cereal when they were growing up.
Off to the (semi)wilderness for two weeks. Be well. You seem to have many friends who care about you and are concerned for you.